Halloween

We went to someone’s house tonight for dinner and pumpkin carving with a group of our good friends, and it was a fun time. Of course my mind was on Kevin a few times, as it is at random these days with Halloween approaching. I could picture him running around with the other kids and screaming and laughing. But I have found recently that I am better at enjoying moments and not having sad thoughts come into my mind. The thought of carving pumpkins without him (he only got to try it once) or even gathering costumes and trick-or-treating seems a little more okay now. A little more manageable. It’s become a bit easier to save the sad thoughts for quieter times and enjoy the moment for what it is.

Last Halloween was so memorable with Kevin. He had the cutest little skunk costume, which he got lots of compliments on. He wore it several times, to the zoo, to my work, the parade, and trick-or-treating. He didn’t seem to mind wearing it, and in fact had quite a tantrum after trick-or-treating because he didn’t want to be done and take it off. I remember carving pumpkins with him the day before Halloween. He kind of drew a little design (with help) and I cut it out and that was his pumpkin. He didn’t get it. But he did like playing in the pumpkin guts and helping pull them all out.

He didn’t eat much candy, but he loved suckers. Especially around Halloween, he would always pick the suckers out of all the candy and he would always want one in his mouth. Looking back through the pictures it made me laugh to see how many of them had a sucker in them.

Below are some of my favorite videos and pictures from Fall/Halloween last year.

Youtube Videos:

Kevin jumping at the pumpkin patch

Skunk temper tantrum

Pumpkin Carving

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Keys

Last week I lost my keys. I looked everywhere and couldn’t find them. A few days passed without me finding them, and I thought for sure they were gone for good.

Kevin loved keys, of course, so for amusement I kept thinking to myself that he was behind this. Maybe he was giggling somewhere because he took my keys and wouldn’t tell me where they were. I even said out loud a few times, “Kevin, where are my keys?” like I used to ask all the time when he would take them from me.

Then a few days ago I was out in the pool house garage and I looked over and saw them. They were sitting on the seat of our John Deere lawn mower, where he sat and played so often. Right where he might have left them.

Now, I’m not saying that I didn’t set them there and just didn’t remember doing so. But it sure did make me smile.

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Pictures from 2007

I’ve put up most of our pictures of Kevin from 2007 to the same place as the 2008 pictures:

http://picasaweb.google.com/kevinmatthewkruse

There are almost 1,400 pictures (!), so they had to be broken into 3 albums. I know that’s a lot of pictures. Again, I put them up because I never know if a certain picture will be special to someone for some reason I didn’t know. And because they are all special to me. It’s nice to see so many pictures from an entire year on just a few pages. Even sets of 5 or more pictures that are almost identical make me smile, because each can show a slightly different look on his face or show him moving kind of like a stop-motion film.

I also like having all these pictures on the web because I can always get to them anywhere I go where I have internet access. It’s like a giant memory wall that I can visit any time.

I hope that you enjoy looking through the albums, and I hope that some of the pictures bring back special memories of Kevin and put a smile on your face. They do for me.

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Pictures From 2008

I want to share as many pictures of Kevin as possible. On this site we often picked out just the cutest pictures, but we of course took many more. I’ve uploaded (almost) all of them from 2008 so anyone who wants to look can see them all. Some of them show his personality in certain ways. Some of them may be special to certain people because he’s wearing a specific outfit or holding something or doing something they remember. Sometimes I’m surprised by how a certain pictures can bring back a special memory of him or remind me of something I’ve forgotten, even if it’s not the best picture in the world. Just looking through all the “every day”pictures of him helps remind me of what it was like to just have him around, wandering around the house, causing trouble, making noise, being silly, and making us laugh.

http://picasaweb.google.com/kevinmatthewkruse/Kevin2008

I will upload more pictures in the future. Also, if anyone reading this has any pictures of Kevin they would like to share with us, please don’t hesitate to email them to us. We would really love to see them.

Tomorrow will be 5 months since Kevin’s death. It’s hard to believe. But, the day goes on like any other. We are doing okay most days, but we still have some days worse than others, and moments of extreme sadness sneak up on us at random.

Gathering up all these pictures tonight, browsing through them, and recalling memories brings some moments of happiness and laughter, followed by the sadness of knowing that he is gone and missing him terribly. We will revisit these same pictures and memories over and over for years to come because they’re the only ones we have been given, and they are so few. I guess that’s why I go back to them often, share them again, and maybe want people to see a new picture of him that they haven’t seen before. It’s a way to create a new memory. We don’t get to see him get older, do anything new, have new facial expressions, go to new places, or see new things. So if I can notice something new in an old picture, or even see a new picture for the first time, it’s like he’s still here for a moment. I can make a new memory. Because he’s still my son, I’m still proud of him, I still love him more than anything, and I still want to share him with the world even though he’s not growing older and having new adventures like other peoples’ kids. I know he’s gone. But if I can just have some of those moments where I feel like he’s around us again, that means everything to me.

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