Easter was the last holiday we got to spend with Kevin. And now it’s here again, which means we’ve gone through all the "firsts" - as far as holidays go - without him. What I remember about Easter last year was him wandering around looking for eggs, not really that into it but kind of going along with the flow. I remember him being afraid of the Easter bunny, and saying "EB?" around the house. Easter was in March last year and it was pretty cold, and I remember him walking around outside in his brown coat. He always seemed to have a way of casually strolling around like he was just enjoying life. This year we are just going to have a quiet Easter at home.
We’ve found the last couple of months to be harder than we expected. All three of us have felt more sad and had more moments when we have memories that we don’t really know what to do with. We’ve all dreamt of him more often lately. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s coming up on one year since he died, or maybe it’s the fact that Spring is here and we’re starting to go outside more. My last memories were of him around this time, of course, so maybe that’s what makes it harder. Or maybe it’s just the fact that grief is not linear. It comes and goes seemingly at random, often without explanation.
Although it’s been almost a year since Kevin died, it’s still very fresh to us and even now new feelings and emotions and regrets and happy memories surprise us quite often. He comes up in conversation almost every day, and we still share memories and talk about things that remind us of him. It still feels like some days we’ll come around the corner and he will be here again. I guess I wasn’t prepared for how fresh it still feels almost a year later, and how much he still feels like he’s part of our life.
Emily has been having a harder time the last couple months especially. They say kids’ reactions to things like this are often delayed and will pop up later when you think things were much better, and maybe that’s part of what we’re seeing. With our new daughter coming in a few months, that raises lots of new questions and worries for Emily too, and sometimes it all comes pouring out. We’re still taking it day by day.
Throughout this last year, I’ve often looked back into our photos to see what we were doing with Kevin exactly one year earlier. Last year at this time I took some of the pictures below. I thought they were funny and cute, so I’m posting them.